Too Close For Comfort?

The following appeared in the October, 2001 issue
of "O, The Oprah Magazine".

Feeling a bit intimacy-phobic? Come a little bit nearer and psychologists David Schnarch, PhD. and Ruth Morehouse PhD. will tell you about it.

Do you say you want intimacy but avoid its more challenging aspects? The questions here could help you discover what keeps you from making deeper connections with the important people in your life. Mark the answer that indicates how you typically respond in these common situations, using the following scale:

  • 1. Rarely
  • 2. Infrequently
  • 3. Sometimes
  • 4. Frequently
  • 5. Almost always
1. When sharing confidences with friends or siblings, how often do you let them know what you are really like versus misrepresenting yourself to look better or worse than you are?
1  2  3  4  5

2. Can you acknowledge your personal limitations (e.g. jealousy, revengefulness, short temper, laziness) to your romantic partner or spouse and still feel good about yourself?
1  2  3  4  5

3. If you're talking with your parents and they ask a question that could lead the conversation into a deeper exploration of yourself, how likely are you to pursue the discussion?
1  2  3  4  5

4. How often do you have sex with your eyes open or let yourself be seen during sex? (If you are not currently in a relationship, answer according to your last one. If you've never had a sexual relationship, rate yourself 1.)
1  2  3  4  5

5. Some families have taboo subjects that aren't discussed, like Dad's drinking, Mom's temper, family finances, or strong emotions. Are you able to breach these kinds of uncomfortable topics with your parents?
1  2  3  4  5

6. A friend or sibling tends to be judgmental. When he or she critiques you, do you hang on to good feelings about yourself?
1  2  3  4  5 		7. You've made important  life decisions, about which your parents should know. They are not happy about your choices. Do you still feel good enough about yourself that you share other things about yourself in the future?
1  2  3  4  5

8. Your romantic partner is irresponsible, lazy, or uncommunicative. He or she withdraws when you address the problem, but it's having an impact on your relationship. How often do you continue the conversation with your partner?
1  2  3  4  5

9. Your parents' approval hinges on your espousing values and beliefs they hold dear-on topics such as religion, sex, and lifestyle. Do you let them know where your views and behaviors differ from theirs?
1  2  3  4  5

10. Do you share your deepest hopes and fears with friends and siblings, even when doing so makes you feel exposed?
1  2  3  4  5

11. Your romantic relationship becomes boring or routine. Your partner is happy because you share similar interests, but you want to try new activities. Do you speak up even if it bursts your partner's illusion of your relationship? (If you've never had a romantic relationship, rate yourself 1.)
1  2  3  4  5

12. Let's say you and a friend or sibling are angry at each other. How likely are you to confront and acknowledge your own culpability instead of just proving that the other person was at  fault? (If you never confront disagreements with friends or siblings, rate yourself 1.)
1  2  3  4  5





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