Couples Are The
Same
on Both Sides of the Atlantic
by David Schnarch,
Ph.D.
My recent trip to Europe was a
real eye-opener. Ostensibly, I went to teach the Crucible® Approach of sexual and marital
therapy to clinicians in Scandinavia and Holland. I also went to see if their
cultures could be so different that our approaches wouldn't be useful there.
Secretly I envisioned being chastised by my North European counterparts, "You
Americans are hung up on sex! So childish! So unsophisticated! Couples here
don't have the same kinds of problems with sex and intimacy!"
In many ways, there are significant cultural differences. Adolescents in Scandinavia and Holland explore
sex with much less guilt and shame. Girls often have first intercourse at home
in their own beds, with their parents' knowledge and permission. Dutch and
Danish sexologists suggest both women and men there may be more likely to engage
in "one-night stands" with no expectation of subsequent emotional commitment.
Women feel as free as men do to experiment sexually with multiple
partners.
Condoms are readily available
there and carry no we-know-what-you're-doing stigma as in the United States.
They have a much more realistic attitude like "It's likely you will engage in
sex - and if you do, it's your social and personal responsibility to use a
condom." (Scandinavia and Holland enjoy the lowest teenage pregnancy rates in
the world; America has one of the highest of any industrialized nation.) The
Radisson Hotel in Odensa, Denmark, provides condoms in the bathroom along with
shampoo, mouthwash, and soap. Imagine Radisson hotels doing the same in
America!
But, does growing up with less sex
guilt - and possibly more partners than their American counterparts - make
things different once North European couples settle in together? I repeatedly
asked, "Is there any reason to think Scandinavian and Dutch couples have less
difficulty with sex and intimacy?" Specifically, I wondered if Europeans have
sex with their eyes open more frequently than Americans do?
From everyone I talked to - and I
met with members of the Dutch Association for Sexology, the Danish Sexological
Clinic, Rutgers Foundation (Holland), the Nordic Congress for Sexology, and
couples from Denmark, Holland, Belgium, and Germany - the answer to all three
questions seems to be "no."
According to my informal surveys,
only about 15 to 30 percent of people on several continents have sex with their
eyes open, and only about half of these folks can orgasm that way. Therapists
and couples in Holland and Scandinavia are as amused and perturbed by this
realization as those I've encountered in America, Canada, Australia, and Japan.
Most of us tune out our partner in order to get our bodies to function during
sex. Fear of emotional contact during physical contact, the terror of truly
being known by the person most important to you, is probably
universal.
From the limited perspective of
American culture, it's easy to blame this on religious prohibitions and prudery.
But it seems that the dynamics surrounding sex and intimacy in emotionally
committed relationships are so powerful they transcend many cultural
differences. In Europe as in America, couples' sexual repertoires always consist
of leftovers: both partners get to rule out whatever makes them uptight, and
they do whatever is left. And on both continents, the partner with the least
desire for sex always controls it. These dynamics create low sexual desire,
regardless of the language you speak.
Although Europeans marry less
often than Americans do, they struggle with the same sexual dysfunctions, lack
of passion and sexual boredom once in emotionally committed relationships. It
must be especially shocking to people who grow up in cultures more sex-positive
than America when the sex stops - or becomes so bland it's not worth
wanting.
I now have more respect for how
sex and intimacy within an emotionally committed relationship are "systems" with
processes and "rules" all their own - just like we now understand the world's
ecosystem. These powerful dynamics are created just by becoming a "couple,"
living together and caring about each other. We need more humility about what
committed relationships present to us, do for us, and demand of us. An
emotionally committed relationship is a "people-growing machine," and sex and
intimacy are two of its drive wheels and grindstones.
Copyright © 1998-9 by David
Schnarch, Ph.D.
All materials, and contents of this website, unless otherwise noted, are copyright 1991-2008 by
David Schnarch, Ph. D. All rights reserved. Intellectual property laws also apply. No reproduction for any
reason is permitted.
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